YOU GUYS. When I say "you guys," I am referring, of course, to the entire internet. Hello. I know I have been remiss in not updating my blog, well, ever, but it is because I didn't really have anything to tell you. I totally have something to tell you now:
You guys, I started doing Tracy Anderson's Metamorphosis program. We totally need to talk about it. If you are not familiar with it, this means you are not an avid watcher of informercials. It's okay: Neither am I. In fact, I completely can't remember where I heard about this or what prompted me to buy it. Target was having one of those "Buy this expensive thing and get a gift card for a small amount!" promos and I am a sucker for that nonsense. Then sometimes I even lose the gift cards, but that's okay: You save the money just by getting them in the first place, a small and wrong voice inside my head assures me.
Anyway, the important thing is, I bought it. I bought it and then I brought it home and opened it and looked at it. I watched some informerically things about it on YouTube where Tracy Anderson and Gwyenth flailed their arms around together. I can flail, I thought to myself. (It is true. I can!)
But then I got to the diet. Well, it's not a diet, you guys, no. It is a Dynamic Eating Plan. And then I saw this: No coffee. NO COFFEE. And my prefrontal cortex immediately shut this down. "No, Pamela," it said. "Just... no." And it was right. It usually is.
And so, I put the DVDs and the workout tracker and the pictures of protruding hipbones in very small scraps of clothing and all the other associated detritus in a drawer, and left them there for 5 months. And I have to say, while they were in that drawer, they made absolutely no change to my body at all. And that was ridiculous. Do you actually have to DO the workouts, not just own them? Dang.
But, you guys, a few days ago I pulled them out and actually started following all of the instructions (except for the no coffee because, come on, I live in reality with two small kids and not a ton of sleep) and it is for serious getting super Kafka-esque in here, just like the title promised. Awwww, yeah.